Year in Review: 2023

This is what the year looked like for me…

First, I want to set an intention in writing this because this year has been hard, that I want to appreciate the year in its fullness and appreciate everything for exactly what it is. I’m writing this a day after the winter solstice, so I want to clear old the old and have a fresh start to my intentions and energies in this hibernation moment before a new cycle starts, symbolically. It gives me a stomach ache to go back honestly, look at old pictures, still really hurts and I don’t like poking at the open wound. So It feels strange to say, but this year has been a play on the same themes and questions - how can I find joy when my world feels chaotic, crumbling, and nothing is working as I had thought? It’s been isolating really, and by choice because I feel nobody in my life is really safe to talk to, my family likes to talk, they talk to their significant others and I know how it goes, leading me to feel more judged and misunderstood and having all of these narratives and perceptions hanging over my head in subtle ways. It’s been figuring out what makes me happy, what I like to do and really finding peace being in the woods, doing yoga, in those quiet moments. It takes strength, trust, being with the pain that is at hand and all these things have been like a north start to me this year.

It’s been a year of finding the light in dark times, of choosing the light. Of choosing hope for something different, of praying. I guess how my life feels, it feels deep and intense and full of heart lessons and stories and navigating murkiness. And I think that’s why I crave calmness and clarity, clean energy.

January. The new year was spent with Kelly’s friends in Roslyn (Rachel Zecher’s house party). Sudan, basically the emblematic peak of my career and highest accomplishment in the time with UNIDIR and in Geneva, and also kind of marked the end of that chapter like what else was there to do? That was coming off a trip to Vienna for Christmas, and also Christmas in NY without tom and that was super hard. I went to Florida to visit Val.

February. Again, working through the winter and went to NY for work also. Started the Candace van dell inner work class, as the first time really i’ve been open with other people about how I really feel in my life and also started Charis’ pattern community and would slowly become more involved over time. I was also going to therapy in Geneva for a few months.

March. Last month in Geneva, leaving everything behind for something else that was exciting to me for some reason. I feel I was really starting to come into my own finally after some time in Geneva like finding some friendships and feeling more joyous, working out, rebuilding my confidence after feeling that relationship degraded who I was…. Went to Prague.

April. Big moment of change. Moved home to start with KAS New York, a new job. This has been the biggest challenge for me- trust, acceptable, letting go, leaning into change. Nothing can prepare you for that except change and loss, which forces you to adapt and be somebody different.

May. Transitions, Matthew and Nadia’s wedding in Italy, Lake Garda. Just before that, my anxiety and stress combined with my stomach issues made me go to the emergency room. Looking back, it was mostly my anxiety that led me there my overreaction.

June. Started a health journey with a naturopath to heal my digestion and health. This is when I changed my diet. Learned about my anxiety, what sets it off, how I handle and process stress and became more protective and responsible for my health and wellbeing. A huge thing, was the emotional stress and I believe that’s why I got these issues in the first places because of how unbalanced my relationship was and how damaging it really was to me in all ways on my spirit but also my physical health.

July. Tom visited some days.

August. The month of endings. Grief. Spent some days in Maine. Again dealing with lack of resolution and ambiguity but becoming more and more clear about what was happening. There were so many little moments, of him not sending my things, not communicating and just backing away inch by inch, again that really hurt and left me confused, alone, and not understanding. Ultimately it felt like betrayal again, he’s done this before.

September. I got Bosco at the end of the month, also got a new BMW around the same time. A huge shift was when he didn’t text me back like all night and whatever, long story short, the hurt went really deep and I didn’t want to be around him to be open with him anymore and that day I was like, I’m not going to just be sad I’m going to do something to make myself feel better and I just got a dog in my lowest state I found something to be happy. And maybe people say it’s not right to get a dog or something to make you happy but it was because I always wanted to do that. It felt like allowing myself to have what i’ve always dreamed of, not stopping myself from feeling that joy and embracing it for what it is. And I don’t think I had a practice of doing that which is why it was a big shift for me. I also started ballet, saw old friends from work, met many new contacts. I also started this longer term shift to staying in Wilton and connecting with nature there.

October. I turned 28. More processing. These months were probably the hardest of the whole year because it was when I started coming to terms with the reality at hand and catering to that in a different way. There’s been so many cycles and phases of holding on, letting go, holding on, etc…. and finally a more substantial shift really feeling the grief for what it was and not trying to change it. I think these months, and year, thought me so much about resisting and accepting change and whatever is going on. So many times hope or expectations blinded me in ways to the truth and it’s not always easy to discern what is before you until sometime makes it clear.

I also took the FSOT after months of studying. later, not to pass but taking it was another huge achievement after putting so much energy, focus, dedication towards that goal and learning so much, meeting people. it was another moment that made me proud. I feel that journey started the previous year when I started making decisions to make myself happy, whereas before I was not doing those things and looking to somebody else to do that for me. This has been huge for me, and it’s shifting the way I think and not looking to others to make changes for you.

Also, Val and Amanda had babies and made me feel how life goes on so quickly.

It’s also a quarter (the fall) of harvesting good things for myself and seeing where my growth has taken me to bigger and better things.

November. Thanksgiving and visiting Amanda in Ohio to see Maeve, and again, super hard to be in crises going through grief that is invisible to people around you. Its hard to not feel validated and seen by others, and that’s been a wound for a long time that my relationship has also really brought up in so many ways and the whole year has truly felt like a spiritual battle in that sense.

December. A quieter month, finally started to feel a more settling calm attitude and aura come into my life about a lot of things. I guess my acceptance of being where I was and not needing to change everything urgently. I went to DC with tom for his work holiday party, again kind of under the pretence that we would be able to resolve our issues in person but it never really happened. I think because again it was a stark honesty that he choose differently and I just felt so unloved and rejected and that still hurts me because it was a really fucking deep betrayal that I still feel, and I think it touched on something much deeper inside me.