February 2024
Wow, this month. A lot happened in a short amount of time. Maybe it was the bedside table manifestation magic that hit. Things are still showing up in an interesting way. This month it was notable that I went out a few times, something vastly different from the past year when I was processing a lot of grief and emotion. As I write this I feel heavy. I feel a desire to sit with it and acknowledge it rather than suppress my inner knowing and feeling of hesitancy and fear around connecting with men in particular. I see more than I did in my relationship with Tom. I see myself more if that makes any sense and my reactions and desires and wishes that I usually would not have recognised because it is SO vulnerable. And that is how I feel right now, the vulnerability of being a woman is how it feels. The extreme sensitivity and longing and I don’t need any of it like I don’t need any of the people im talking to but I guess it is showing me that I want to be met and I want all of it I guess. So I’m basically feeling these guys are hiding their cards and playing with many people at once, and that I’m just one of those cards being played with. To make an analogy out of it. Maybe this is my fear being projected - the story that men are not genuinely interested, or that I am not deserving of being taken care of, protected, valued, cherished, protected. I guess that I’m sensitive to that because I’ve projected that on my past relationship and while I know it comes from a wounded space of believing that men are bad, or people are bad, I also want to evolve past that story within myself, like really deeply.
“east is what alignment feels like. Peace is what the right decision feels like“
Did look deeply in existential kink and the ideas around what we have is ultimately what we desire to experience on deep level, even though it seems consciously that it is bad. That our soul has weird fucked up desires it wants to experience. And I went through a lot of this this month, writing about my fears and how I say I want one thing but I act in ways that block me. Like wanting relationships and I keep saying I want to have friendships and authentic connections and then when I really looked at that I found so much of my deeper parts doing everything possible to set me up AGAINST that because it means death to me, like everything I’ve associated with relationships I feel is not what I consciously want and I’m starting to become aware of this. All the ways I block connections and authentic relationships because of my deep fears.
I also had the astrology reading this month and it was like a new level of confirmation of what I’m doing, integrating my self and just structuring daily routines and daily habits into my life and making these incremental steps and adjustments with precision, ideally, so that I am align and attune in my outer world a new sense of my worth. Pluto in the 12th house was a huge realisation for me, and squaring my sun. I started looking into this deeper and seeing the ways I want to delve into psychoanalysis and hidden fears, power dynamics with men… all the subtle and somewhat hidden dramas I’m playing out right now because I had again an urge to interact with men in sexual ways as I’ve done in the past and to explore that again. I started taking my temp again. This is like a door opening new timelines I believe, and seeing where it will go. I feel like things set in motion. She told me there will never be a year like this one in the reading. I feel that.
It is a daily practice to give up everything I think I want in my head about self image, reputation, idea of who I think I should be. all of that.
It is a daily practice to forgive myself for life being how it is. for things happening how they are. for everything that is not in my control. It is a daily practice to appreciate where I am right now.
There is still so much creative energy flowing through me. All the projects like creating my room with intention and I started French classes I feel this new momentum and energy of who i’m stepping into and the idea of ‘my woman’ and knowing her. Choosing her. to express her. And I totally can see this period of like restructuring my aura and upgrading and working on self, and trusting. I will say it is honestly so hard. It is literally in every action every minute decision I make and how that honours who I see myself as. It is literally the daily choices I make that align me to trusting in something beyond me and it is so hard.
It’s hard because there’s no body holding my hand through it. I thought the other day how nobody has said to me, “I’m sorry about your marriage. I’m sorry that you lost your best friend. I’m sorry that you feel alone and lost.” And I know it’s not their fault and it’s like a dark/hidden loss and I could almost pretend it never happened and life would move on and that is like, holy fuck. because it’s like sometimes I wonder what was that whole thing about because it completely vanished. The image of sand falling through my fingers is dead accurate. Like a whole part of my identity - Gone. Over. Done. A whole life chapter done within a matter of months, just wiped out something I would have imagined my whole life would be there. And that’s why I feel still I need time and grace with myself. It’s not easy and it is confusing to make sense of it and the thing is it doesn’t make sense why any of it happened, besides that it was supposed to happen like that.
I had a weird text exchange with Tom this month, out of the blue he texted me and I responded this time and we had a little bit of a light back and forth on night. He wanted to know if I’m seeing somebody else and I didn’t want to answer that and after I shut that down, he basically went away and that also felt confusing. I felt like he wanted to dwell and put himself down and almost like the ideas of him about my life know he just wanted to have confirmation over and have some dark punishment with, and I felt used. Like did you only ask me how I am because of that? I don’t know how to take these things and this is why I let go and why learning to let go more and more about wanting something or anything, or confirmation or validation, from somebody else has been a whole process for me.
Another thing is that I’ve been saying to myself that I’m just dipping in my toe to see what it’s like and have some new experiences and see what happens. And I guess that’s what i’m doing now but again i’m scare because I feel like i’m not really aware of what I want consciously from these relationships and situations and everything feels haphazard to me. And it’s like I tell myself that I am open and kindof taking these risks like testing myself, but I’m not sure testing about what.
Flow more than you force
I want to reorient to my self. Devotion to my journey as a woman and to give myself what I need, not in a way that is too independent for other people but that knows my value and loves myself.
“Focus on becoming a woman who orients her life towards pleasure, ease, and nourishment. From here, you will naturally attract a different type of man than what you are used to”
Regarding my life purpose. I am thinking about the next step. I don’t necessarily see myself working in the UN bureaucracy. I don’t necessarily want to involve myself into the office politics. I want to go deeper and deeper into expression and self development and I feel called to become a jungian analyst….. now, I don’t really know why or know what I’d do with that, etc. I also recognise that I’ve always wanted to be a therapist of some kind.
I’m scared because I don’t have the plan that I’ve used to have, which was, namely, to live overseas (Paris) and work at a think tank. Foreign service….. not opposed to trying again