February 2025
Nervous system and trauma. I had never considered my past in a ‘negative’ light, I’ve always considered myself lucky, raised well, what could be wrong? I am starting to see my past in a new way and relate to my childhood differently. I know that I was unhappy and sad, but I guess I never connected my behavior to my upbringing. I saw myself as just isolated within that, just someone who was different. But it makes sense that I learned certain behaviors and adaptations within my family context because I had too, and because I had innate reactions and sensitivities that yes, these are and were part of who I ‘was’ / ‘am’, but that my response/coping/adaptation was not ‘who I was’. This may sound very complicated and non-sensical… but I guess I opened to a way of seeing my negative parts, like being depressed and alone and not having good realtional or communication skills; all of this was a normal/natural/logical response to my childhood. Or at least, this is a perspective that is opening up and maybe I am not just weird, or I am not just a loser, or a bad person inherently but that my responses to my environment make sense, and can be understood and related to differently as an adult.
Upgrading my story. This is a critical aspect of therapy I am learning. How to make your store more whole to claim new authority over your experiences in a way that is appropriate to the present. This can look like outgrowing old stories, chaining your mind about your past, or seeing it in new ways.
I went back to Connecticut a few times. Bosco was also in the city back and forth, so on and off. This month was a mix of being alone in the city and sticking to my routines (ballet, cooking, trying new recepeities / planning my nutrition and sleep routines etc. and social schedule / activities, yoga), in an attempt to be well rounded and holistic in my week and time. It’s like I’ve become my own executive assistant in a way. Deciding how best to balance family and personal and aspirations.
I shifted also my relationships, now seeing Matthew is just not doing it for me and letting myself be angry and seeing that wow. I dont’need to do anything I don’t want to.
I tried the ICP open house. Valentines day happened. I told linden goodbye… stopped speaking to Robert because he’s annoying as well. And yes I just want more and something different and not just settling or choosing things or people or relationships that are aggravating or disappointing all the time… And I guess this is part of my habits and unconscious and etc… part of what I don’t fully grasp about myself and am consistently frustrated with…. Venus in scorpio. and now going into Venus retrograde in Aries.
I guess I was upset being alone on valentines day but also not because I do enjoy being by myself and investing all my energy into myself. it feels indulgent and rewarding and exploratory, like traveling and I can do so many things just because I want to,.
Started getting into more of my family and past history in therapy which part of me is resisting because I think sometimes it has no relevance, or that was so long ago why continue to bring it up or dwell on the past,….
Delved into grief community and learnings, and somatic work.
