January 2025: Connection

Holding the inferno to birth something new.

It is so important to pause. Time is crunched in New York. It pushes your intentions out like nowhere else. It manifests reality like nowhere. Lighting strikes. (not my image above).

As I write this up, I review the electronic archives of my daily life. The notes of my phone, notes in my notebook, my larger journal, emails I’ve sent, photos. Looking ahead and backwards. The purchases I’ve made.

Physical upgrades.

My routines are day by day being grounded and I simultaneously create myself a new. It’s been beautiful. My days are more often energizing and novel than boring and exhausting. Yes, I am physically walking more and doing more things but those activities fill me so much like ballet and astrology and connecting with people socially. I really want to shift towards having a network, in a diffuse and wide way; like to build a wide foundation for myself and this is what community is. I find even if I am not personally and intimately connecting with people within group settings there is just a felt sense of being part of your surroundings, city, community that balances out with the more intimate connections and releases some of the pressure. And I don’t think its so important always to go straight in and I have this image in my head of what it means to have friends and stuff and I would love to build on the opportunities and branch out socially, but I also feel that there is some right-ness and wisdom to be exactly where I am in my life. I’ve felt this message very strongly now at the new moon / lunar new year in Aquarius, with Pluto on 29 January 2025.

I am reminded of the nervous system and again, I’m so blessed to be in touch even virtually with wise women and people who are smarter than me and have more knowledge and broader ways of viewing the world. This is like such peace for me. To go into places and rooms where I feel expansion and confusion and uncomfortable, and that’s growth. It’s a bit new to be honest because I think before things were very stale for me, thus why I’ve done all the things I’m doing now.

My New York get up.

Ballet, dog parks, boba tea,

I felt super judged by Klemen the other day. And I’m doing a new practice of validating my feelings by acknowledging that there’s a valid reason im feeling and thinking this and that my perception is accurate, and that I’m allowed to have the experience I’m having. This is so crucial for me, especially since I’ve been talking to men and there is always this feeling of being not enough in some way for them, or disappointing them, or them emphasizing that ‘I am different’ (but in a good way). What does that mean?

Saturn

I had some busy weeks. Saw three men in a week I believe; had sex with two of them a day apart. It feels nice to be wanted and desired and I am fascinated by the way they see me and what they reflect back to me. How they image me to be - wanted and hit on all the time. ITs actually entertaining!!!!! Because that is NOT my experiences. Yes I have been hit on but my experience is very very different than how men / the ones I’ve been with imagine it. I find it so interesting this reflection of men’s fantasies and desires and how they view women and what they want from women in relationships.

Make it stand out

So after that, the pendulum swung in the other direction. I need alone time, finding balance to sit still and be with myself to feel myself without others interference. I am reminded that when I connect and when I’m with other people especial men its very difficult for me to connect with myself, I know this because I have a harder time staying in my experience and this is connected to trauma with men that is part and parcel of growing up in our culture unfortunately. And I am unlearning this slowly.

Winter - NYC

Super cold.

Connection

Connection to me is similar to alignment (my word for 2024). It is connecting at deeper levels with myself primarily; and my desire and my body, my felt woman-ness, my wider and deeper soul; to connect with all of this and relate to her in a new way. I am becoming aware of her, my deeper soul.

I made a vow and decision to myself, not to sleep with people until we are committed because that’s what I really want more than sex. I want to create something deeper and more fulfilling. I saw Linden many times, h e walked me to and from ballet twice… I asked for a raise at work (And should get it), am going to Italy for work (and am working a lot…), YPP test, saw Anna, went to MET.

I guess, as I write this closing paragraph, that I’ve had a hard time transitioning and leaving. Bosco behind in a way, but I also see how it’s necessary and okay to do this for the moment.

My perceptions for the month - I feel this month/chapter is urging me to be with myself; to give myself permission to react how I do, to express how I do and not judge it, or do judge it and still allow that. To hold my feelings, my truths and allow the full expression of myself