June 2024

So, June…. Was the month of the butterfly explosion. I found two luna moths which I’ve never really seen in the flesh in my lifetime. A positive indication is that I feel I am keeping on weight, something I’ve struggled with as a result of my anxiety and stress which I believe has kept me under-nourished. I feel in a way my ability to gain weight is fundamentally connected to my inner sense of emotional safety and ability to absorb healthy, nurturing, nourishing emotional experiences. All cancer things for this month.

This month I delved into 8H topics, took reddit to the next level, and upgraded my self worth affirmations and mindset to a new level. I started these processes and thoughts this year and they have continued to unfold and spiral into new forms, this has been a big part of my manifestations unfolding around new friend groups, new reflections of my worthiness and feeling a new reality manifesting to match my upgrade in my mindset.

I started a course in Westport. It really is very synchronistic and right up my interests and love for spiritual and energy work. A super interesting group and actually the first time I’ve felt so comfortable and at home in any type of social group and talking about light and energy and feeling like I actually an with people who understand that. A HUGE gift.

Mykonos Muse - a symbol that came in, as well… Greece and the Greek Foreign Minister. All things popping into my reality around the 4 June 2024 Venus start point at 14 Gemini, opposite to my natal Jupiter. I’ve been waiting for this month all year actually….Venus still going through her death and rebirth process through the underworld since the past 3 months really, and now she is going to be reborn tomorrow (4 July 2024). I’m excited to see what this manifests.

A big source of energy this month has gone to thinking about my failing relationship with Matthew and thinking how unloved and undeserving I feel as a result of him not texting me or making other plans with me; this has been intimately connected and served as a source to drive my affirmation practice and discussions in therapy, uncovering the reasons as to why…. I feel like literally being penetrated so deeply has gotten into my energy field big time. I learned something new I think about sexual chords, how they last forever, or like 8 years….. all very interesting about the exchange of sexual karma and thinking how the soul chooses to repeat or reconnect with certain people, I would not be surprised if this was something of the sort…

So the time we went out I felt different from the last, I felt more stood up by his lateness, more disrespected by the hotel type set up, less taken care of by him not sending my any money or getting me coffee in the morning, or just by him telling me where to meet and having to walk there in a dress with no underwear or anything underneath by myself. Alll of this. I felt very exposed and vulnerable this time without any protection. And his departure, knowing how he is and was in the area the whole time made me sad and feel - like, I am not good enough. All of it triggered my wounds around worth and actually I got sick after that and had some itchiness on my vagina after. Not the best sign, actually a bad sign and i’v been reflecting on it a lot how it’s developed and what I really want and feeling like it’s my responsibility to honor and protect myself.

the second experience was with Hima. We had sex and I hate to write this, but I didn’t enjoy it, I felt used I didn't get any satisfaction out of it quite frankly because his dick was so small that It wasn’t even a cock. Again, a lot to unpack with this whole experience around me collapsing to men that desire me just to feel the short term validation from them.

Taking my studies and readings deeper and deeper around the feminine, vesta, phallos, the feminine spark, the fractal dimensions of the feminine in her fieriness and coldness and sexuality, and the wife/mother/daughter/prostitute archetypes.

Quite frankly I was not feeling great most of the month and my energy was fucked up with disturbing thoughts and feeling, worsened by stress at work, the commute, lack of sleep. The who am I course and therapy really help me in this sense to clear and process and I feel supported.

The end of the month concluded with KAtelyn’s party. I wore heels. I felt very tall but thought fuck it, I know every one will make comments but I don’t want to wear ugly shoes and I feel better in the nice heels. So I wore them and felt good about it.

The month had multiple events at work. and I went to an open house and took my research of psychology programs to a new level, now feeling like I have a basic grasp of what the field is like and what lMSC stands for, which is a big accomplishment.