May 2024
Butterfly
Looking back on the month. It really changed to spring, even summer, very quickly. Green has been the color. Full of flowers. New sezane clothes. Daneillás bridal shower.
Jupiter and Venus invisibility, and the journey through the underworld continues.
Intense full moon with pluto action, on my mars. I will say, this month has been difficult in some ways and I am taking a step back from asserting myself. I started psychotherapy and have continued to step further and further on this unknown path of new study and career. I continue to research and learn about the goddess and pluto, read multiple books, writing in multiple notebooks. Taking the Jung archetypes class. I feel that so much wisdom and meaning is coming to me, just like a magnet. I’ve had many beautiful synchronicities, that I am so grateful for.
Someitmes I feel selfish, ugly, like a loser with no life. I wonder sometimes what I am doing, why I am alone or don’t feel a need to have more friends/make friends even though I do. I feel full of opposites and confusion with relationships; do I actually want friendships; I wonder sometimes what my life will look like in 20 15 years. will I be disappointed? These aspects are those of my shadow,
I try to take a forward perspective, on that allows me to change in the ways I want. One that is open to all types of new and intimate relationships that feel good and generating and I don’t know what that will look like exactly but I want to uncover ways to do that. I guess that is one thing working with a therapist could help with in general. my beliefs around relationships and myself. And it is humbling to be there because I don’t want to be ‘the type of person’ that needs help or that talks about struggling, because won’t that only make it more true? or is it better to not live in denial and talk openly about it.
Honestly, this month and with the therapist was the first time I just splayed out how I felt to somebody regarding my divorce and relationship and I felt so pathetic. I felt so weak. I felt so fucked up and felt like I was so ugly struggling and just lost. and it was uncomfortable in every way. I never show that to somebody, I never crumble like that. I feel who can you show that part to sometimes, like everyone has that but it never comes out. It feels like I don’t know if that part is like the true- est part of me / unconscious parts / shadow aspects that come out and feel so ugly. I mean they feel, when being expressed, like the worst thing in the world. They are so rejected and it feels just like an ugly monster.
Besides this, I am avoiding being any way in this relationship with Matthew because I feel incompetent and lost and not worthy and and just observing for the most part and being very reflective, morning star at this time. not really initiating or taking action… And its okay to go slowly.
I’ve had an upgraded budget, some new spendings and income I guess.
I am mostly enjoying the long weekend with the dogs, with myself. Sometimes I feel a need to like question myself and I have anxious thoughts about the future, fears. but more and more I feel I am just learning to lean into my present path, one of reading about ancient wisdom and psychoanalysis things and allowing a path to unfold in front of my eyes. Also, not questioning that. not questioning too much why it feels good to read about these things, or do astrology, and for what purpose. That is a gravitational force that I’m feeling has gotten stronger this month. little by little, opening up a whole new path…. really amazing and a blessing.
One more thought. I’ve wanting to go deeper into sex like bondage or something next level on that path because I\ ve always had dreams and fantasies about that and I feel its time, soon at least. That is my next thing, not even like looking for a new husband but to go the opposite direction; to fully live my deepest sluttly fantasies and make them real. THAT turns me on, and going to do ballet again because it’s beautiful and expressive and makes me FEEL beautiful and lovely.