November 2024
I’m back again in CT. It feels like home. It has been 20 days since my move in date to NYC. I’ve so far stayed for about 12 days and one weekend. Bosco isn’t there yet and I’m trying to find a good time to bring him and figure things out with transport / the train, dog sitting, etc. It will all be fine I know but Its a bit of a transition period of moving and I’m still going back and forth since its Thanksgiving and Christmas. I have a call with somebody from LinkedIn later.
Bosco’s allergy test came back so we know now what he’s allergic to and immediately am changing his diet and toys so the struggles up to this point will be different moving forward. Knowledge is power.
This month was transformational in a lot of ways; I believe this is the Pluto at the 29th and 0 degree in Aquarius that transition point. the US election, my apartment, being busy with work. I feel my relationship with Thomas at work improved a lot. I feel more authoritative and really in my roel like its so easy in a way to now know what i’m doing after nearly 2 years and I think i’m becoming more accepting of being here, like leaving seems less urgent but I still want to at some point. Also Kelly had her baby, Kenneth this month.
The financial piece is still one of my concerns; like I feel bad about my mom giving me money and it came up the other day too, it does feel always like im under, or again, under their control and that is not what I want forever.
Moving has brought up a lot of fears about becoming depressed, being alone and not being able to make friends, living like I did in Paris being sad a lot, and feeling like a failure ultimately.
I’ve still been seeing Klemen as well. And having a lot of doubts about what I want in terms of a relationship and future; do I really like him that much or do I not? I guess even with Tom sometimes I felt a little bit ambivalent towards him, sometimes I hated him and loved Him at the same time; so I think considering the overall arc of my feelings towards people this is normal. like even friends i’ve felt that conficual mix. But I guess I am unsure where he stands as well and honestly I just really enjoy being with him and spending time with him. the other week when I cooked dinner for him I felt different. I felt like I was his wife in some weird way. Like I was really caring for him; that’s the thing with cooking, its like self-less like its not for me primarily, but I definitely enjoyed my carbonara, but it was like I cooked a meal for him. It felt really vulnerable actually and exposing and like I put a candle and set the table and everything and did it and waited for him. It reminded me of the times I’ve done little things for Tom and waited for him to come home and surprise him and see his smile. And that’s why it was a little uncomfortable for me. I feel like when I really want or feel something, its very difficult feeling for me to hold with him because I think there is right there with it a very intense feeling of the potential to be rejected; like I feel these things at once. And it is or can be enough to make me hide from it.
In therapy my sessions have been on similar topics; not knowing how I really feel or struggling to know, being too focused on others to know what I really want; lack of trust in others.
Moving to the city is also a learning experience; how to advocate for myself, speaking up about things that are not working…. learning how garbage functions, getting used to the noise and having neighbors, etc. I helped Anna find some apartments as well, since she will move here next year which also means I’ll have a friend, which will be nice. I did volunteering for Thanksgiving dinners the other day and it was just really nice to have low pressure community vibes, as charts has said and I do like those types of activities because its low pressure indeed and social and different, like group dynamic. I sometimes struggle with finances like it feels arbitrary what I spend money on and am I saving, am I not, who really knows; I mean I do know that I am doing fine in terms of my monthly spending because my mom is helping me and in the end I have used some of my savings and in the back of my mind is the divorce and what’s going to happen financially. Since tom's birthday in November he just said he was sorry things ended like this and we haven’t spoken since. it’s sad. I will say though I am much better this year. a year ago I remember thanksgiving and how depressed I was. the whole of last year, and before going to his Christmas party, was such a portal of grief and death and change that I was going through. and I feel i’m coming through that and rebirthing myself and my sense of identity big time. And now. I have this new life like that. Look at me go. Life is beautiful and I see the growth in my images.
You know, liek in the back of my mind though is still a feeling of him owing me. even financially like how he spend our wedding money that still bothers me because it’s not fair. I’m thinking that I will wait to divorce him from New York in April since that’s when i’ll be allowed and im also not excited to get a lawyer but realistically it will likely have to go that route because of how its been and based on how he’s handled things thus far. im afraid of that. i’m afraid that i’ll have to fight him and that it will be combative and manipulative in the ways that dealing with him these few years has been and because we have only because more different people in this time and its wild to think about that.
The holidays are also hard. The emphasis on family and roots is hard; and it is the time when most people commit suicide appartently. it is a reminder for me that I lost a family member because I do consider him family even now. And it’s a marker of time. Time since we were together. That’s hard.
And I guess with moving and my finances there is a sense that like, the voice of my sisters, that I can’t afford this lifestyle or handle what I have, like not having Bosco and that I somehow am not good enough because I am needing support and im not rich enough or smart enough whatever to do it on my own, and a feeling of guilt about that. And I am reminded of my age, my mind goes to my age and the fact that I am in contrast to where I am feeling like i’m starting over kind of like a young person just leaving home for the first time, but at the same time having been married and basically created a home with somebody and going ‘ back’ from that… its like a feeling of being set back in life or deceived in how life has turned out. And the hard part about that is to be able to trust in god and that this is happening for me and not to me, and for the best.
I was also talking to Robert a lot but I stopped recently after he freaked out and starting calling me a whore and just random names. It wasn’t really the names I just didn’t like his attitude at all and how he was interacting with me and it was very disrespectful and just felt bad and I don’t need a reason besides that to stop talking to him.