September 2024

Caveat: keep in mind that six months may pass between the time you plant the seed and you see the flower...
- Albert Schweitzer quote

Strength and Discipline

The month of September marked the transition to the Fall. The closing part of the year when nature goes dormant again. The time of harvest.

I started off reflecting on the seeds I’ve planted this year around my self worth and self love, calling in support and harvesting new types of relationships, showing up with small signs at first and coming more and more into my reality. That has been beautiful.

Building strength. Physical, spiritual, and emotional strength in how I show up and what I choose to put my energy and gratitude into. I started a discipline practice, doing a five minute meditation every night and to be more strict around how I spend my time, especially when I am at home. I see how precious my time is and how it is my responsibility to use it wisely and with intention. To time block to reach my goals and align to what I want to create. There has been lessons around that. It helps me to feel like I’m not just losing all my time or I just don’t have any time; in fact, no I have plenty of it and need to structure it so that I can do everything that is meaningful and important to me. I’m still practicing this. IT applies to my finances as well, and led me to let go of my car so that I can make a change that is better for me, to move to the city. Something I had never imagined really that I would do, also getting rid of my car, but now I see how it is for the best even if I never originally planned to do it. I also changed my personal spending habits a bit, wanting to be more aware. Using my hobonichi planner to guide me, or add structure to my life. it’s really helping me actually.

I started to venture into looking for apartments and have learned a lot at this point, one month in. I started off thinking something short term but now see just doing it with a room mate and for a year would make my life easier in a lot of ways, instead of having to do this ad hoc and on my own and repeating everything down the line. Also what value would that have… I guess I had a lot of fears and remittances to making this change and still do, like not really prioritizing it when I can. The question of priorities is another important one. I am not wanting to make big changes just because, but because they will allow me to do more and build more strength and go further in the long term. It’s like an investment that grows over time.

I still want to do a mental health counseling program, just wondering still when the best time is and how it would work best with my work or not working schedule, finances, etc… ITs not very exciting to think about all of this but I’m proud of myself and hopeful because time really does help. I feel less overwhelmed. Maybe its my notebook or small changes, or planning intentionally, but it makes me feel more in control of the tiniest things; like the virgo pisces axis is online for me… And the new moon on 2 September was in Virgo, opposite Saturn, so these themes in my life also with Saturn in my first house and going through my Saturn return are really highlighted.

I know I slack of sometimes too or just want to lay around but the message of working hard is hitting hard for me; its helpful to hear. And I think it’s true, it’s like the part of my that wants to do nothing and laze around in Connecticut or wherever needs to be put in her place bit. I see this as developing more of my masculine aspects.

Trust

Theme around relationships and getting to know Klemen. Being okay with not knowing and on the edge of something unknown.

Went to CFS open house. sTarted the CMPS intro to psychoanalysis. Discovering new ideas and ways of thinking about responding to trauma/ or handling it and the purpose of therapy, ego and will. and drives.

Opened new questions in therapy around why I enjoy, or have I before, preferred to be closed and alone; I see being alone more the result of being closed off to others. The fact that I am not open to others and feel safer closed off, inevitably leads me to being on my own and also inadvertently making others feel that their are either not wanted to liked or that I am not interested. Which is true at some level, but this is really something unconscious and painful for me that I am seeing and wanting to understand about myself. I guess this is why I feel not good enough for him. Like I am too weird for him. And this is deep and ingrained and I know this and he also knows it, but it's like… I don’t want to be defined by this part of me.

Venus Is now in scorpio, and I’m writing on 3 October, this lunar eclipse libra just happened. I’ve been talking to Tom every week still.